Why couples keep having the same fight, and how to work on it.

Like a well-rehearsed skit, you find yourself in the same argument, making the same points, hearing the same defenses, and ultimately, leaving equally, if not more dissatisfied as you did when you last had the same fight.  

Perpetual problems are relationship disagreements that appear over and over again: toilet seat up versus down, whose turn it is to take out the trash, differing sex drives, finances, religion, parenting styles…these are a few common perpetual problems. Some of these are solvable, some unsolvable, and some were solvable at some point but evolved with repeated mishandling. Each couple comes with their own set, and likely these perpetual problems have been around since the start of the relationship or the issue.

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, and yet most couples approach perpetual problems the exact same way. The thinking is that if I just express myself, if I state it like this instead, they’ll finally understand. However, minutes into the conversation, the couple finds themselves back in their well-choreographed dance.

69% of martial conflicts are perpetual. Most are unsolvable, but we try to resolve them anyway.

Why do we keep having the same argument?

The reason problems remain perpetual is because they’re discussed with some combination of criticism, defense, contempt, or stonewalling. When these appear, they’re understood as rejection and will lead to some pattern of counterattack, distancing, or disengagement. Ultimately, the issue remains unresolved until the next repeated incident. All perpetual problems can be painful, but solvable one are usually less intense while unsolvable feel gut-wrenching.

The key difference between the two is in the issue’s level of “meaningfulness” for each partner. With unsolvable problems, there’s an underlying conflict fuelling the dispute, while for solvable problems the conflict is really about the particular dilemma. However, most of us are programmed to approach all problems in the same way, and so unsolvable or solvable, what’s being discussed stays above surface most of the time.

Partners discuss facts, offer reasoning, and sometimes an emotion without deciphering the underlying conflict. This then leads into a dance of reactivity and escalation.

Here is an example of what this looks like:

John: We have to cut back on how much we’re spending. It’s become ridiculous. Our bill this month is 3 times what it was last year.

The hidden meaning: I’m stressed and worried we’ll have to take out a loan. I saw what that did to my father. I don’t want that happening to us.

Kelly: Well, yes because we’re finally doing things again, and we’re not trapped at home anymore. Do you seriously want to go back to that?

The hidden meaning: The past few years have been really challenging for me. I finally feel like I’m having fun again, and that’s starting to feel threatened when you talk about restricting our budget. Money is a tool that helps me feel connected.  

John: Are you not hearing what I’m saying? We can’t afford this lifestyle. We’re going to start setting budgets.

The hidden meaning: I’m scared. I’ve seen bankruptcy, and it could have been fixed if it was just managed better and sooner. I have a high value for financial stability.

Kelly: You can set budgets for yourself, but I’m not changing a single thing.

The hidden meaning: I’m scared. Budgeting means being at home all the time again. I have a high value for relationships and connection.

There’s often no resolution to these problems, hence unsolvable, but when they remain surface level like this, both partners are left dissatisfied and hurt. Each instance that this disagreement is discussed in this way, the more entrenched the couple becomes in the dance’s choreography. But in the example above you can also see how differently the conversation would move if they discussed their underlying fears—if that were the initial conversation, chances are they could even find a temporary compromise.

So in brief, why does the argument follow the same pattern each time?

1.     It’s discussed at the surface level.

2.     It holds a high level of meaning for each partner, but that meaning gets trapped below the surface.

3.     The more trapped the meaning becomes, the less space there is for communication, but at the same time both partners want to feel understood by the other.

The risk of continuing in this pattern is eventual emotional disengagement. With each argument, the scales are further tipped into negativity, and partners start disengaging and leading parallel lives.

How do you change this pattern?  

1.     First and foremost is recognize if you’re in a locked perpetual problem:

These are the signs (Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work):

·      The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner

·      You keep talking about it but make no headway

·      You become increasingly unwilling to budge

·      When you discuss the subject, you leave feeling more hurt

·      These conversations are devoid of humour and affection

·      You become more polarized and extreme in your views

·      You’ve disengaged from the conversation and each other emotionally

2.     Understand the disagreement as a difference in meaning, as opposed to a disagreement because of an inherently [cheap, selfish, uncaring, insert other character trait here] partner. Thinking of it like this keeps both of you on the same team, as opposed to adversaries.

3.     The goal for unsolvable problems is not to solve, but rather to create space for communication. To do this, try recreating the conversation from the hidden meanings. This won’t necessarily lead to a solution, maybe just a temporary compromise, but you also won’t leave feeling hurt, disengaged, unaccepted, or vengeful.

The longer the disagreement has gone on for, the more I recommend working with a therapist to uncover what’s not being said. However, here are some questions you can ask to try to understand the meanings on your own:

-       Why is this so important for you?

-       Does this bring up anything from your past, or remind you of anything growing up?

-       Do you have any strong values or beliefs around this topic?

4.     Humour is your best friend. It tips the scale back to positivity. It can be challenging to do in the moment, but a joke, poking fun, even a smile can change the entire direction of your conversation.

5.     If you find yourself entering your typical dance, point it out and take a short break (30 minutes or so). The longer you’re in this cycle, the more threatened you feel, and the thinking part of your mind turns off. That’s not a great place to approach the problem from.  

Perpetual problems can be a source of a lot of hurt. The way they’re approached, though, can change the degree of that hurt.